Are all men potential rapists?

No doubt in my mind we all know that rape is the crime of forcing someone to have sex especially by using violence. Incredibly, the act of rape from a man to a woman is steadily on the increase, research has shown. It is not only a Nigerian thing but a global phenomenon. The British crime survey estimates that 47,000 rapes occur each year yet sadly, the numbers continue to rise. Back home here in Nigeria, the statistics might not be so accurate. The reason is not farfetched; in this part of the world, the society attaches stigma to a lady who is bold enough to go to court and report a case of rape. Though I am open for correction, but the worst part of the scenario is that some of our men folk often put the whole blame on women.

Okay, take this;

Act one, scene one

A man asks a lady out for a drink or two, she turns him down. He becomes persistent, she finally says “yes’ why not”? He takes her out; he asks her out again on a lunch date; she says to herself;” oh, he’s so sweet; and again why not a harmless lunch date. So they do lunch. Then he goes further, calls her up yet again, asks her out on a dinner date; she thinks to herself: “What’s a harmless dinner date; with this “ gentleman” “after all, he’s been so patient and sweet; then she does a dinner date with him. On her way home; he gets her a cab and gives her a few thousands of naira for her “recharge card”.

Act one, scene two

He thinks to himself (believe me, this is the thought of the typical average “Nigerian man”) ah; I have spent a lot on this babe, it is payback time! I have invested; it is time for me to reap from my investment. So he calls her up again and offers an encore of a lunch date. She thinks to herself, “this guy appears sweet and nice, but he is not really my type’ so, she turns him down. He sends her ceaseless and countless text messages professing his undying love for her. He meets a brickwall. He intensifies his effort; he vows to himself; I will not lose this babe, I must not lose this babe. (we all know his motive is certainly not love, it is not even obsession for her, it is simply that rejection of his overture will not be acceptable to him; not after spending…) so, he continues to woo her; sends her flowers and teddy bears. Her resistance begins to gradually crumble; and then she thinks to herself (this thought process is also typical of some average Nigerian ladies) “this guy has tried; I feel sorry for him, I don’t see why I can’t be friends with him on a platonic level.

Act one, scene three

He attempts again to ask her out on a dinner date; this time around he becomes more daring though in a subtle manner; he offers to cook her dinner at his apartment. “I have never cooked for a woman before” he says. So, after a brief thought; she feels; oh, he is so sweet and generous; I am sure a harmless dinner cannot go wrong. “So, she gets dressed up, arms herself with the address he sent to her in box and found her way to his doorstep, then presses the doorbell. He opens up the door, obviously delighted that tonight; will be the night that he takes his long awaited… (Please, readers do fill in the blanks). He ushers her in, the room is cozy, everything is in place, the light is dim and romantic; there was candle light on the table, soft music was coming from another corner of the room. He makes her comfortable; offers her a glass of red wine; while she is sipping, he dashes to the kitchen, gets the dinner ready. They have dinner; “Hmmm, this is really nice, she complements; and things for a couple of minutes goes as planned. After dinner, she offers to help with the dishes, he politely turns her down; deep down he is thinking “don’t worry, we are going on to bigger and better things”.

He comes out from the kitchen, sits right next to her on the comfortable sofa. His sitting position becomes a little uncomfortable for her, so she moves slightly away; he moves closer, she moves further away, at his third attempt to move closer again she suddenly gets up and announces she is leaving. “Thank you very much, she says, I have had a wonderful time; you are indeed a fine cook; but I would like to take my leave now”. He says to her, “why would you want to leave now; the night is still young. At her insistence on leaving, he surprisingly drops his gentleman act; and forces her back to the sofa; she attempts to get up; she can’t because he is too strong for her, he forces a kiss on her lips; she moves her hands behind her. At this point she knows, this is the right time to panic. She manages to say “no” “no” to him, “no” means “yes”.

He continues to fondle her; his hands and mouth begin to go everywhere, her clothes are up, she is scared, she tries to scream but all she could mutter is a quiet “no” she knows he is much stronger than she is; he reaches for her pants, she struggles, he gets angrier and more aggressive by the minutes, he tears her underpants…hot tears stream down her face, this is a nightmare she thinks. She prays, to wake up. He forcibly enters her deeper and deeper. It hurts her, she stops struggling knowing that this was a lost battle. It was a long agonizing and worst moment of her life. He gets up, tells her to clean herself up and leave! To him, the monstrous mission is accomplished. She gets into the still quiet night to the comfort of her apartment. She takes her bath, still feeling pains all over her body; she quietly climbs into her warm, waiting bed and cries herself to sleep. Days after the rape incident, she has refused to sue him, for fear of being stigmatized by the public and society at large. She still lives with the bitter experience till date.

This is not the first evidence I have that suggests that rape might be a crime of opportunity as much as of impulse. According to research; back in the 1970’s and early 80’s, a number of highly controversial psychological projects sprang up at colleges in the United State, analysing male attitudes to rape. Half of a group of high school males, for instance, said they believed it is acceptable “for a guy to hold a girl down and force her to have sexual intercourse “if he found her sexually attractive. In a survey of 7,000 men, conducted by Shere Hite, 46 per cent responded in the affirmative to the question, “Have you ever wanted to rape a woman”

Arguably, the most distressing statistics came from a study conducted at the University of California in 1980. A group of men was read a story in which a woman politely refuses a man’s offer of a lift home. Enraged by this perceived rejection, the man holds a knife to her throat and proceeds to full intercourse, the victim protesting wildly throughout the attack. Asked whether they might behave similarly, 17 per cent of respondents said yes, while 51 per cent agreed there was some likelihood that they would but only if they could be sure they would get away with it. The results of this study, and many others like it, are enough to make us ponder on our view on rape, even in this part of the world.

What is both interesting and shocking is that the act of rape is not limited to single or people that are not officially a couple. I have recently been told in person that rape is even present in some marriages! Yes, it’s true.

Act two, scene one

Bolaji and Theresa have been married for eight years. They love each other. they have kids and live in a dream home. Theirs is what one would call the ideal home and the ideal family. That is when you look at them from the outside.

The problem is things are not always what they seem. Unknown to many, their marriages have been sexless for over eight months.

Act two, scene two

Theresa for over eight months has been punishing Bolaji, her husband of eight years for cheating on her with their maid. Through the eight months, Bolaji will plead almost every night for sex, while the wife will turn the other way, and all were always in place. Then one night, Bolaji could not take it anymore; he had done all he could to get his wife to forgive him. He decided enough was enough. Before they had these issues; they were always inseparable in bed. This fateful night, Bolaji, at first, attempted to plead to his wife for sex, as she prepared to turn him down again, he did the worst. He forced himself on her, tore her underpants and the rest, as they say, is… yes, history.

The good news is this, change is possible. There are a million and one way, to win us without using force. You know women need to be pampered, and loved. No matter how bad or resistant we might be; please remain yourself. Do not allow any woman bring out the worst in you, or turn you to a rapist.

Vera Chidi-Maha