How a dream like Valentine’s turned out to be an Emotional Abuser

In an exclusive story sent to GBETU, a lady simply identified as Tina has shared how her Valentine’s Day date turned out to be an Emotional Abuser.

 

According to (young) Tina, she believes other young Nigerians can learn from her story.

 

I would like to share this story that happened to me this year so that your readers and other young Nigerians can learn from it.

Many thanks.

 

Read her narration below:

Dear Lawyer Ex : How a dream like Valentine’s turned out to be an Emotional Abuser. 

In January I was introduced to you by my closest friend. She thought you were a great guy and thought you would be a better fit for me. 

 

 

We seemed to get along well, you were responsive, attentive and seemed to say all the right things.. you said you saw me in a dream fasting and I was fasting a few days into the new year. You told me you were a Pastor and a strong believer in God. You shared a message with me on forgiveness and told me about challenges you faced in life. 

From the very beginning, I expressed to you all the things I had been through in 2020. I like to be open when it comes to communication. You told me you cried after reading what I shared with you.

 

Due to lockdown rules, it was difficult to make arrangements to meet in person. Eventually we agreed on dates, you sent me money for Flight ticket and extra to buy things I needed. I was impressed by your organization skills. I finally arrived to Nigeria, you picked me up from the airport. You seemed to be a cool person. You bought me clothes, gave me your bank card and PIN. You took me around to your friends, forcing me to kneel for them (you even scolded me for not fully kneeling down for one of your friends). Your moods were highly erratic that even my friend that introduced me to you, decided not to talk to you again after you completely ignored her when she came to your house. I still tried to have compassion for your terrible mood swings. I asked you a few times if you really liked me because your attitude was so off. Your response was “Why would I introduce you to my friends if I don’t like you?” 

Eventually, I headed back to London. You took me to the airport, put money in my account and told me you will miss me. You finally kissed me on the lips for the first time since meeting.

 

 

Once I got back to London I tried to think of how to show my appreciation to you for the trip(note that I had given him my spare MacBook so he could use it to connect to Apple TV) I hand painted a card to say thank you and added it a DHL package that was heading your way. (This is in addition to the Valentine’s Card I made on MoonPig and the Scented candle I bought from Harrods.com. which I gave to you in person).

They say it takes 6 weeks to really know a person’s true character and it was now you couldn’t keep the pretense up. Hot and cold messages. The Tone of your messages completely changed. I flagged it up with you and you said it was work stress. 

 

I agreed to try and give you space even though I wasn’t physically around which felt very tough emotionally. Things deteriorated further when I made a joke that you took personally, enough though I had joked about it in person and at least to me didn’t mean it.

 

As a result you stopped talking to me for days (Stone walling, form of emotional abuse). I didn’t even know what I did wrong. I finally asked you what was wrong. You called me stubborn. I genuinely had no idea that you would choose to respond in such an emotionally abusive way. After I spoke to you that day I cried on the way home. I wondered how it got to this. Am I really such a bad person?

 

I arranged for someone to make you personalized napkins with your initials and work logo. You never said thank you. I joined your work seminar just to show interest and support. You responded coldly as if me taking 1 hour to listen to meant nothing. I spent an hour making a birthday video to celebrate your birthday with pictures of you. You didn’t say thank you until I had to ask you to.

It was like walking on eggshells but I felt bad because you had already introduced me to your friends and Brother. I was thinking of trying to save you from the embarrassment. Your ego became more important than my emotional well-being. 

 

 

After weeks and weeks of hot and cold responses from you I finally couldn’t take it again but I wanted to know if you really actually still cared about me. I created a story about needing money to see your reaction. You said ok and nothing after that for two days. I called your phone on Saturday morning – usually you are less busy. You did not pick. I later saw you had been online on WhatsApp and we’re also posting relationship quotes as you love to do on Instagram. I completely lost it. All the weeks of feeling bad, walking on eggshells with minimal communication from you had taken its toll. I messaged you to say I’m done and blocked you. 

 

Hours later, I wondered if I had made a mistake. My mind was still in love with the person you presented yourself as and I thought maybe I was over exaggerating. I unblocked you and apologized and told you that I probably just need time to figure things out on my own for now. My heart knew what it needed but your Stonewalling reaction really just gave me anxiety. I now started feeling as if I was the one in the wrong since you refused to say anything, declined all my calls for weeks. I felt like the bad guy.

 

I needed to come back to Nigeria to donate some used laptops to a High school in Abuja so I thought I’d also use that opportunity to try and see if we could talk face to face. I texted you to let you know before I was coming that weekend. No response.

 

I got to Nigeria but had a scary incident on the way to the island. The pre-arranged Driver, in his absent mind, forgot to fuel his car before entering the third mainland bridge. The car stopped in the middle of the bridge. Luckily he had pulled over to the side of the bridge so we stopped in a safer place. I could feel the impact of cars speeding by so closely to the car. It was honestly one of the scariest moments I was not expecting to have. I called and texted you to let you know what had happened. No response. It was that very moment that I knew you truly lacked empathy.

 

 

I reached my apartment and decided to have a good time nonetheless. Unfortunately, I kept holding unto the nice version of you that I thought was real. I was able to manage maybe a day or so before I couldn’t help but try to reach out to you again. Read. No response.

One drunken and emotional night, I recalled having your friends number from my HNW sales days but I didn’t actually meet him. I proceeded to text him that I’m having issues with you and need to speak to one of your other mutual friends. He read the message and did not reply.

 

I tried to call you later from another number. You asked who this is, I said my name. You said “I don’t know anyone by that name” you then texted me as quoted – 

“Thanks for the negative publicity, God will repay you”

I was confused. I really thought this egomaniac was looking for all this kind of attention which is why he couldn’t simply respond to say it’s over -I’m done. 

 

Still drunk and angry, I proceeded to send him plenty of the same messages on WhatsApp and told him that if it’s truly over he should block me. Which he finally did.

 

 

Since then I’ve experienced a number of emotions. Disappointment, rage, anger, regret. All under the umbrella of post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD 

 

I’ve been trying to get the closure I need and finding ways to do so since he refuses to explain how things escalated in this way. Writing my experience down has helped me understand that I was not to blame but also needed to trust my instincts. In January, I knew it possibly wasn’t the right time for me to get into another relationship but I never imagined that I’d face another round of emotional abuse.

 

Lessons Learnt in summary

• Listen to your inner voice. It’s there to protect you 

 

• If you had emotionally abusive parents you are more likely to be a victim of abusive relationships once you accept that, slow down when it comes to getting into relationships with people.

 

• People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder seem to enjoy calling themselves Pastor.

 

• Single older men are red flags so take your time You are better off being alone or a second wife to someone who has the emotional intelligence to manage a home well

 

• Speak out as much as possible. It doesn’t make you crazy, it makes you human. We are all bound to have bad experiences in life. 

 

 

• Money does not make a bad man a good husband. Emotionally absent men are difficult to deal with. Money can easily be made with hard work and determination. 

 

• People, don’t be hard on yourself for not being married. There’s a lot of undiagnosed mental health disorders in the African community that needs to be addressed and put into context before people apply pressure to marry. 

 

• Empaths are better off doing charity work