I was raped by someone I thought was a friend, and am scared that if I tell my partner he will think I’ve cheated or it was my fault.

I had gone for drinks at a friend’s house and fell asleep in the spare room. I woke up and someone was in the bed. It was dark and I couldn’t see who it was. He had taken off my jeans and put himself inside me. I pushed him away, but he did it again. I hit him and got out of there as quickly as I could. He tried to say sorry and I knew then who it was.

I don’t know how long he was there before I woke up. I had drunk too much. Everyone had left and the friend whose flat it was had passed out in another room. No one was there to tell, so I left. I could hear him shouting after me. When I got home my partner was so angry that I had stayed out late. I couldn’t speak and just cried, but couldn’t bring myself to tell him why.

I’ve stayed out drinking before and it’s become a real issue between us. Part of me feels like this is karma for being a bad girlfriend. I would never have slept with the man who raped me. I have no attraction to him, but thought he was someone I was safe around. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have been so drunk. I should have gone home.

If I tell my partner, will he think I’m a slut? Will he be angry? Will it completely change how he looks at me? I’m hoping I can forget it all and move on, but all I want to do is cry. I feel sick and I can still feel that man in me and smell him on me. I just want to forget.

Annalisa Barbieri replies

I am so sorry this happened to you. This absolutely was not your fault. It does not matter how late you stay out, how much you have to drink or, for that matter, what you wear: the responsibility for this lies with the perpetrator alone. You are not a slut: he is a rapist. This is not karma: he is a rapist. You are not to blame: he is.

Many, many men see drunk women who have passed out at parties, or in other similarly vulnerable situations, and do not feel the need to rape them. Rape is very often about power and control, and not about men’s sexual desires – which, just like women’s, are entirely controllable.

I do not know if you have told your boyfriend yet, and I do not know what his reaction might be. If it is anything but sympathy for you and anger at this other man, then you may want to consider your future with him. I really hope he is supportive. Unfortunately, sometimes people (friends, partners, parents) do not react in a supportive way, which can be devastating for the person who has been raped.

If you have not told him yet, then it is entirely up to you if you want to or not. You might feel like your control over your body and life was taken from you when you were raped, and you do not need anyone else telling you what to do now. The same goes for whether or not you report the rapist: the choice is entirely yours (more on this later).

I spoke to Katie Russell from Rape Crisis about your letter. She explained that, unfortunately, the self-blame and doubt you are feeling are not unusual in rape survivors. “But the law is extremely clear about rape [defined as penetration of the mouth, anus or vagina with a penis]. A person needs to have the freedom and capacity to give consent to sex, and you clearly did not have that freedom or capacity,” she said. This is covered in the Sexual Offences Act 2003 section 75/76.

Some survivors never want to talk about what happened; some choose counselling; some report it. You can ring Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 should you wish to; this is the number for England and Wales, and hours vary, so check the website. Scotland has its own Rape Crisis on 08088 01 03 02. You can speak confidentially to a trained operator who can provide support and give you details of your nearest Rape Crisis centre, where you can get counselling. They can also talk you through the criminal justice process, should you decide to report it. “We are survivor-led,” Russell said. “If you ring, we would not tell you what to do.” There is also lots of information on the Rape Crisis site that you may find useful, such as tools to help you cope.

Please remember that this was not your fault – not in any way.