Infidelity is a choice for both men and women

Dear Temi Badmus, 

I find it really interesting that you took the time to write out an article as a reply to mine. I just wish you’d taken the time to understand my point before you did so. 

In my article, I didn’t say that all women cheat the same way men do. I said they CAN IF they choose to. It’s about the ability of choice. I also said that a man can choose not to if he wishes to. Because once again, IT’S ALL ABOUT CHOICE. 

My article was in reply to the men who told me it’s just not possible and gave myriad reasons for why it isn’t. I want it to be understood that it is, so men should appreciate the partners that are faithful and not just take them for granted because he believes women have no other choice but to remain faithful. We all have a choice. Men should appreciate the effort it takes for a woman to refuse all other propositions, despite the fact that they could bring her money, gifts, job opportunities, fun, or adventure. 

The reason why women can cheat is inconsequential here. What can tempt me to cheat may not be what would tempt you to cheat. What can tempt both of us to cheat may not be what would make our female friends consider it. We really need to stop generalizing here. You may be a woman but you can’t speak for all women and tell me that it is only a lack of attention that would me cheat. You don’t know me. I am an individual above all else. I am a sum of my personal experiences, my environment, my personality, and a whole bunch of other stuff that you may not fully understand no matter how long you’ve been around me. And the same goes for every single woman. 

I know a woman who had all the attention she could need but she wanted to live the ‘big life’. She wanted to take advantage of the attention she got from all her admirers and lovers and use it to offer herself all the finest things in life: designer clothes, a fancy house, a fancy car, trips to different countries, and the ability to go to all the cool spots of the high and mighty. Somewhere out there, there’s another woman who doesn’t care about the fancy stuff. If she and her four children get what to eat that day, she’d be ecstatic because her man leaves the house for days on end without dropping what to eat and whatever money she can earn is somehow never enough for all of them. Then there’s the career woman who wants to succeed in her field at all costs and if she has to sleep with some men to get there, well she’s willing to close her eyes and pay the price. There’s also the wealthy woman who has all she needs financially and her husband is too busy working and whoring around with others, but he was never good in bed anyway. When he goes on business trips, she spices up the lonely boring days by some fun sex with a guy who actually took the time to learn how to please her. If she has to pay him for that fun, she doesn’t mind. At the same time, there’s the woman who has all the opportunities but considers cheating beneath her. She feels her worth is tied up in how faithful she can be or the idea just irritates her or she loves her partner way too much to jeopardize what they have or whatever other personal reason she may have. Here the point is: every woman is different, has different needs and desires, and has her own choice to make. 

I agreed with some of your points though. It’s true that girls are generally educated in a different manner than boys so they mostly grow up reluctant to cheat. But despite that fact, we have still heard of many cases where men found out that their children were in fact not their children. This has been going on for a long while. And who knows how long it had been going on before DNA paternity tests became a thing? How can we tell? This goes to show that although not every woman does it, every woman can if she chooses to. And that’s the whole point:  although not every woman cheats, some do. This proves that the outdated belief that a woman is a holy trophy that would NEVER allow herself to be soiled is hogwash. She can if she chooses to. Maybe ALL the women you know link love to sex, or maybe like you stated some of them are just really better at hiding their meaningless sexcapades and acting all innocent on the outside. Who knows, huh? 

The main message in my first article on this topic is the same: women are capable of cheating on their partners if they choose to. Those who choose not to should be valued by their partners. And I insist that they DESERVE the same courtesy and respect they are giving to their partners. 

I say this because they are too many men who cheat and expect that it is normal for their wives to just quietly accept it as inevitable. They say they see no reason why it should hurt the woman. I ask, “Would it hurt you if your wives cheated on you? How would you feel?” They talk about how they’d feel devastated. When I say, “So you see, it’s only natural that your wife is upset.” They talk about how it’s impossible for a woman to cheat anyway and that if she does it’s the end of the world. Meanwhile, it is in man’s “nature”. No. Rather it is man’s “nurture”. The problem is in boys being made to believe that they are predators and that taking advantage of several girls sometimes through lies, deceit, and manipulation is praise-worthy. Once we manage to address the real issue, we can proceed in correcting it as a society. 

Both partners can choose to be in an open relationship. It’s their right. If they are in a closed relationship, they can both be faithful to each other. There is beauty in that too. And if they are both adventurous, they can decide to engage in threesomes to spice up their days and have fun as a couple. That too has its own merits. All of these are rooted in mutual understanding and respect for their partner’s feelings. Anything other than this is double standards and is not fair, even if it is common. Wrong doesn’t become right just because it’s accepted by a majority. 

Frankly, Temi Badmus, I don’t really understand what you’re trying to ‘point out’ with your article in which you decided to address me. That women cheat out of lack of attention but it’s rare and that proves what? Since my article was about how women are not just monuments who have no choice but to stay put, rather they are humans who often CHOOSE to turn down the numerous propositions to cheat that they receive every day and that they deserve the same courtesy, are you saying that they don’t?

Blessing Akpanabasi is a lover of literature and languages. She studied French and French education in various international institutions. She is a prolific reader and writer. She is a strong believer in society’s ability to change and evolve for the better.