Her message to me reads, “I have a 20-year-old daughter from my previous marriage, now I am married to another divorcee and my daughter lives with us in my new marriage. He took my daughter as his and I am still hoping I will have a child for him.
“Last week I checked through my daughter’s phone only to find out from the text messages that my husband has impregnated my daughter (his stepdaughter). Please is this not a taboo in Igbo tradition? Though we need a child, is it this way? What should I do, because I’m silently running mad?”
Chukwuneta Oby replies
Though we need a child, is it this way?” Makes me feel you are even finding it remotely conceivable that the child you both need could come from your twenty-year-old daughter to help keep your man and marriage, perhaps?
As the ADULT that your daughter has convinced herself she is, ask her what she intends to do with the pregnancy. Unless you want that “marriage” at all cost, DEMAND a breathing space to clear your head, first. Even if “men will always be men,” there should be minimum MORAL standards that whoever is worth the title of a “life partner” should accord a spouse.
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Where that is missing, anything goes. And where anything goes, the soul never really finds peace/a home in that setting. Either you take your daughter with you to go retool her via counselling/therapy or you send her to a safer environment for now. Trust has been broken!
The “mother-daughter” bond will need some HEALING. Frankly, the least of your worries right now should be “giving a child” to your husband. Sometimes, it takes a disaster of a certain magnitude to realise that where you found yourself is NOT where you should have been.
Women, leave this play alone! When a marriage ends, focus on self-development first. Adopt a relaxed approach to matters of the heart. Otherwise, you will end up with people you WILL keep being grateful to for “accepting you” into their lives.
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There is never ACCOUNTABILITY OF SELF in such settings. And such settings kill slowly, first stripping you of what’s left your dignity, esteem and then, sanity. Where is the happiness to be found where a moral compass is absent?
Don’t blame yourself for any reason. Both parties simply lacked morals and loyalty. Another man could have easily raised that girl like his own daughter and REFUSE the urge to entertain twisted thoughts towards her.
A child that is this disloyal will keep thinking only of herself, even if you kill yourself for her. That someone is your blood doesn’t mean you must relate if they give you a bone-deep pain. I would have also chipped in that we should be sure that we are WHAT those we sometimes railroad into marriage truly DESIRE. But then human beings don’t come with a guarantee!
You can also decide to go VERY FAR from both your daughter and husband to rebuild your life. If that girl ever gives birth to that child, your chances of coming together as mother and child will be slim. That child may become a reminder of this betrayal.
If you want more children, you can adopt. Or try with another lover. That someone is your blood does not mean they will have your back. That is what your daughter has taught you. Stop attaching sentiments to harsh realities and apply practicality, instead. Women should also understand that happiness exists outside marriage.
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If you cannot find a suitable marriage partner, settle for having an affair. Many marriages with DIRTY reality, all because women have convinced themselves that marriage is the only way to emotional bliss!