I’ve been married for 11 years and we have two happy boys; it has been amazing. But my husband has now told me he wants a threesome. I am really trying to understand what it is that he is seeking; after a week of long conversations, I believe what he actually wants is more experiences. He says he doesn’t want to leave me and the boys, and still loves us a lot.

He was 22 when we got married, and we had a couple of threesomes in the early days. Since our recent conversation, I have given him everything I can, and more. But he still wants to see other people; he understands that it will destroy me, and so wants my permission. I cannot give him that – it wouldn’t be honest. Deep inside, I know if a situation were to occur, he would take the opportunity and cheat. Where do I go from here?

Response by Annalisa Barbieri for The Guardian

“You didn’t mention how old you were when you got married, as if only his age were relevant. But if you were a similar age when you both settled down, I’m sure you gave up some things in order to do that. I’m also guessing the threesome he’s suggesting is with a partner who suits him, rather than you?

I talked to Silva Neves, a relationship and sexual psychotherapist, (cosrt.org.uk), about your problem. “I get the sense,” he said, “that you think the choice you have is either to agree to a threesome, or that he cheats. That’s not a choice; that’s two unwanted options.” Neves also said that by flooding him with attention and sex (a common reaction), “you’re colluding with him; you’re meeting his needs at the expense of your own”. We both worried that this seemed to be a theme in your longer letter; you mentioned you had threesomes early in your marriage, but that you were inebriated at the time. “It doesn’t sound as if it was something you wanted to do,” Neves said. “But something you did in order to please him, while forgetting your own needs.”

Marriage and long relationships are about compromise, but not to the point of unhappiness. There’s nothing wrong with a polyamorous relationship, if that’s what you want, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting a monogamous relationship, either. Did you discuss this before you got married, about what being married means to both of you? Has he changed his mind, or have you?

Neves also wondered if your husband was having a bit of an existential crisis. “As we age [and that’s relative: your husband is young, but may feel he’s getting old], we can have a sense of loss of our youth, a sense of wanting to keep hold of our sexual potency, our freedom.” And that’s ripe soil for looking at all you’ve missed out on rather than all you’ve done.

At this point, Neves said, it can feel as if it’s monogamy that’s the problem: “If only I could have more sexual partners/adventures, etc, I wouldn’t feel so old/I wouldn’t feel this loss.” Some people navigate these stages better than others. It sounds as though “instead of learning to accept or even grieve for what he hasn’t had, he’s projecting [what he perceives to be] his sense of deprivation on to you and your marriage. But this isn’t fair because these are his issues, not yours.

“A respectful relationship is about being mindful of what we do, and realising that whatever decisions we make impact on our partners. At the moment it sounds as if your husband wants something that’s incompatible with your happiness,” Neves added.

What to do?

At the moment you are at loggerheads, and you are married with two children, so it’s worth trying to sort this out.

“Invite him to be a team, you and him,” Neves said. “See if you can sit down together and say, ‘Let’s look at our story.’ Find the gratitude in your marriage: yes, you haven’t had more experiences [either of you], but look at what you have achieved: you have two great children, etc.” Does he really want to jeopardise that?

Only you can decide if there’s any sort of compromise you’re comfortable with, but please remember that what you feel and what you want matters, too. Don’t be bamboozled into saying yes to something you don’t agree with: doing this won’t be the end of your problems, only the beginning of new ones.