Falling in love is easy, but relationships can be hard—despite what the movie industry tries to sell us. Like anything else in life worth having, relationships take work. Some couples successfully weather the storms that inevitably arise, while others simply drift apart.
When it comes to coupling, there is no instruction manual. Remember that old playground mantra: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes so and so and a baby carriage? If only it were that simple. While some couples follow this traditional trajectory, many people do not. Fewer couples are getting married, some are having children before marriage, and some are choosing not to have children at all. Every relationship, like every individual, is unique.
Regardless of the path one chooses when it comes to romantic relationships—whether it’s down the aisle or across continents—the inherent stages of love and attachment essentially remain the same. A couples’ ability to navigate these stages is often the key to their relationship satisfaction.
Neuroscientists and “experts in love” have outlined four stages of a relationship. These stage go from falling in love to living happily ever after (or, at least, for a while). Here are ways to successfully navigate these stages.
The Euphoric Stage
For the past several decades, Helen Fisher, Ph.D., neuroscientist and Senior Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and Lucy Brown, Ph.D., Clinical Professor in Neurology at Einstein College of Medicine in New York, have been studying the brain activity of people in love, from the early to the later stages.
Brown explains that, “In the early part of a relationship—the falling in love stage—the other person is the center of your life. You forgive everything in these early stages. The other person has faults, and you see them, but it doesn’t matter. Maybe they leave their dirty dishes in the sink, but they make you laugh at least daily, so it’s okay. Good things outweigh the negative here.”
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One of the most significant findings in the brain mapping studies (which was determined to be a key factor in relationship success) involves what Brown refers to as the suspension of negative judgment.
“In this early stage, many people show a decrease in activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that has to do with the negative judgment of people.”
In other words, the longer a couple can maintain suspension of negative judgment toward each other, the better chances they have of relationship success.
When they followed up with participants, the researchers found that the couples who had stayed together for three years or more had the most decreased activity in this part of the brain.
How Long Will It Last?
How long does the romantic phase last? Studies have estimated the euphoric stage can last anywhere from six months to two years. Although a small portion of the population (approximately 15% to 30%) say they are still in love and that it still feels like the first six months—even after 10 or 15 years later.
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Brown explains, “We don’t know why this is. I don’t necessarily think it’s because they have found their soulmates. I think it’s the person. Some people have an easier time rekindling the earlier stages. Not to say the rest of us can’t.”
For the general population, the intoxication of new love will eventually morph into the next stage: early attachment.
The Early Attachment Stage
In the previous stage of euphoric love, unconscious factors like attraction and the activation of the reward system take over. In Fisher and Brown’s studies, the brain scans of couples in the early stages of love showed high levels of dopamine, the chemical that activates the reward system by triggering an intense rush of pleasure.
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The study’s authors wrote that these high levels of dopamine have the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine.
In this next stage, the more evolved part of the brain begins to take over, including the ventral pallidum (the region of the brain linked with feelings of attachment, and the attachment hormones, vasopressin, and oxytocin—sometimes referred to as “the love hormone”).
You know when you’ve reached the early attachment stage when, according to Brown, “You can sleep! You’re not thinking about [your partner] 24 hours a day. It’s easier to do other things in your life.”
Couples had been married for at least one year described love differently. “It’s richer, deeper, it’s knowing them better,” says Brown. “Memories have been integrated—both positive and negative—you’ve gone through some difficulties, and you’ve developed a strong attachment.”
The Crisis Stage
The third stage is often the make or break point for relationships. What happens at this stage is crucial to what comes next. Brown refers to this as the “seven-year or five-year itch.
“Almost every relationship has a drift apart phase,” says Brown. “Either you will keep drifting, or you will come back together. You need a crisis to get through and to be able to talk about it together—you’ve both grown and changed.”
For some couples, having children will either solidify the relationship or cause enough stress to make the relationship fall apart.
If a couple can overcome a crisis successfully, they will then move on to the next stage: deep attachment.
The Deep Attachment Stage
The deep attachment stage is the calm after the storm. By this point, a couple knows each other well, they’ve been through the inevitable ups and downs, they know that they can deal with crises, and they’ve likely made a plan for handling future crises.
When describing this stage of relationships, the term that Brown reiterates is “calm.” “When couples have been together for many years. It’s just very very calm. And it’s secure.”
The deep attachment stage can last a long time. If you’re lucky, it can last a lifetime.
Keeping It Going
How can we keep love going? According to researchers, one of the most effective ways of keeping the spark alive is novelty. Studies that have followed couples for years have found that doing new, exciting, and challenging activities together have huge benefits for relationships.
Dr. Art Aron, one of Fisher and Brown’s chief collaborators, and his wife, Dr. Elaine Aron developed the “Self Expansion Model” that offers insight into the early stages of love and partly explains why the first few months of a new relationship feels so intoxicating.5
“When you enter into a relationship, you literally increase who you are. You take on and share in your partner’s perspective on the world in addition to your own, their social status, their resources. The benefits of new and challenging experiences together are enormous. And they last.”
Suspension of judgment, rekindling of the early stages and maintaining novelty, just maybe the keys to cracking the code of lasting love, says VeryWellMind.