SILENT SEX STRUGGLES MARRIED PEOPLE GO THROUGH: Psychologically, if two partners are in a committed sexual relationship, going for long periods without sex can cause feelings of hurt or rejection and significantly decrease levels of intimacy and connectedness within the relationship, especially if this issue is ignored or not addressed between the partners.

In marriages, a lot of couples go through these issues without knowing; some find out and try to outplay it. Here are some and how to go about it.

1. A SPOUSE WHO WANTS TOO MUCH SEX
Some are married to a spouse (often times the husband) who wants sex regularly. This can easily make one feel used. Usually in such situations, the emotional connection is also weak. Address this by learning to do other things as a couple that don’t involve sex.

2. A SPOUSE WHO IS NOT INTERESTED IN SEX
Some are married to a spouse (often times the wife) who shows no interest in sex, perhaps because of emotional strain, past wounds, hormones, negative view towards spouse or as a result of conflict. Address this by talking things out, open up, change contraceptives. Realize that love making is important in marriage.

3. A SPOUSE WHO DOES NOT TAKE CARE OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
It is a struggle to kiss, lick, touch, rub or even make love to someone who doesn’t brush their teeth, shower, wears the same underwear for days or doesn’t care about presentation. If you have such a spouse, encourage each other to shower together, buy him/her underwear and recommend they be worn to excite you, form a couple’s routine. If you are the culprit, remember that hygiene inspires intimacy.

4. LUST
Lust will make you struggle to be faithful, it will make you flirt with others over the phone, at the wotk place, in the neighbourhood and social media making it uncomfortable for your spouse. It can affect your desire for your spouse. Lust dies when you stop feeding it. Check out of lustful conversations, see people around you with respect, not sexual objects.

5. UNMET SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS
There is nothing as frustrating as being married but your sexual needs are not being fully met. Most likely they are not being fully met because you have not lovingly communicated to your spouse what you want, your favourite sexual positions and your fantasies. But remember, before you expect your spouse to meet your sexual needs, meet his/her sexual needs.

6. MEMORIES OF AN EX WHO USED TO BE GREAT IN BED
Some people are fighting the memories they had of their ex/exes in bed. As they have sex with their spouse, they have images of the ex in mind. Let go of the past. See your spouse for the uniqueness he/she is. Start to praise your spouse sexually and your mind will register your spouse as the new definition of sexy.

7. PORNOGRAPHY
Pornography will distract you from cultivating intimacy with your spouse. It will make you ignore your spouse without you knowing it just to look at videos and pictures of naked strangers banging. Address this by desiring the real thing, not illusions and porn stars. Train yourself to say no.

8. MASTURBATION
Masturbation will make your spouse compete with your fingers. Your fingers will most likely win because you know how to please yourself but your marriage will lose. Address this by teaching your spouse how you want him/her to please you since you have already learnt your body.

9. A PENIS THAT CANNOT SUSTAIN AN ERECTION
Most men lose their erection due to panic or lack of concentration because sex starts in the mind. Address this by calming down, relax, be in the moment, enjoy every sensation.

10. AN OVERTHINKING WIFE WHO STRUGGLES TO CLIMAX
Most wives who struggle to climax is because they over think. “Have the kids eaten? Is my vagina smelling? Is he really enjoying it? Am I moaning too loud? Am I too wet? Have we paid rent? Did I remember to pay the chama? Is the salon open tomorrow? Which weave should I put on next? I forgot to call Njambi”… These are some of the thoughts running through her mind as he is pumping. Lady, relax.

11. A PENIS THAT EJACULATES TOO QUICKLY
If she makes you ejaculate that means she is so sweet and that is a good thing but what she desires is that you stay hard longer. Last by stopping the pumping when you feel you are about to climax, change positions at that time so that you look cool while at it.

12. LOW SELF-ESTEEM
If you doubt your own sexiness and performance then intimacy will suffer. Confidence is crucial when it comes to all things sex. Embrace your body, your tummy, sagging breasts, stretch marks, balding head, your physique. Take care of your body, work out. Flaunt to your spouse what is good about you. Praise each other’s looks and performance to boost confidence.

13. AFFAIRS
When another is already servicing your body, you will come home to a spouse you are not interested in. On top of that, you will be filled with guilt to the point that you struggle to connect with your spouse; and if your spouse suspects or knows, he/she will shut you out. Just let the affair end.

14. COMPARISONS WITH OTHER COUPLES
When you hear or read the colourful sex stories of other couples, of how the wife squirts, how the husband lasts for forty minutes, how the wife rides like a pro, how the husband feasts on her clitoris till she cries; you might begin to question your own marriage and whether you two are happily married. Each marriage is unique, make your own special memories.