I was in SHS three when it happened. It was a Friday. My mom had gone to all-night service. She wanted me to go with her but I told her I would be learning for WASSCE. The idea was to sleep early and wake up early at dawn to learn. I was sleeping on the floor when I felt some fresh air inside the room. It only meant the door had been opened but I didn’t wake up. I thought it was my mom.

I pretended I was sleeping with clenched eyes until I felt a shadow had fallen on me. I still didn’t open my eyes. I started smelling the breath of the person. It didn’t smell like my mom. That was when I opened my eyes.

I didn’t see him clearly. The whole thing appeared in a silhouette. I was about to scream when he pushed cloth inside my mouth and pleaded with me to keep quiet. He said, “If you keep quiet, it won’t hurt. You will even like it. Don’t struggle. Just keep calm.” He was holding my hands with his giant hand while taking my panty off with the other one. I got locked in between his thighs so I couldn’t struggle.

I kept quiet and listened to his voice. It sounded familiar. I was crying. He was talking to calm me down. He called my name and right there I knew it was James. I shook my body violently trying to throw him off. He was stronger. He went all in. He got what he came for.

When he released my hands, I took off the cloth. He was sitting there wearing his trousers. I mentioned his name and asked why he could do that. He said, “Please don’t tell anyone. From now onwards, whatever you need tell me and I would provide it.”

He took off and left me lying there, bleeding and breathless. I didn’t try to clean up or do anything. My mom returned to see me lying there and crying. She saw the stains of blood and asked “What happened to you?” I narrated the whole story to her and right there he rushed to Jame’s door.

He wasn’t there. The house he lived in belong to his father. His father was a retired officer of the arm forces. James had completed university and was working in a company around town. His father came out wondering why my mom would be knocking at that ungodly hour. She narrated the whole story to the father. My mom was bent on making the issue a police case but the man calmed her down and pleaded with her to take her time.

Later, the elders sat on the issue and decided James had to take care of my medical bills and pay a certain amount as compensation to my mom. The amount was huge, in my mother’s standard. She took it and let things rest.

A few weeks later, I was pregnant.

I was devastated. I saw my whole future reeled before my very eyes. Pregnant at seventeen? How am I going to fulfil my dream of becoming a nurse?”

At first, James denied it. He said I was already sleeping around but the medical report I had earlier indicated that I wasn’t sexually active. His father took charge of the case and asked my mom to get rid of the pregnancy. I wanted it that way but my mom said no. She would like me to deliver. It became an argument so my mom reported to the elders.

The verdict was that I should give birth but James would be responsible for my upkeep until I deliver and since he had jeopardized my education, he would pay when I decide to go back to school. If he disagreed, my mom should give the case to the police to handle. He and his dad accepted the conditions.

I wrote WASSCE while three months pregnant. It wasn’t showing so I hide it. I delivered a baby boy and he looked exactly like James. They came to name him. They brought me a lot of things and gave me a weekly allowance. I was saving the money for the future. When the time came for me to go to the training school, James took care of my fees and bought all the items I needed.

When I started schooling, I realized he had softened his stands. He was being sweet and all darling. He visited me in school and brought me gifts. When I needed money, he would send it and send money to my mom for the upkeep of the child too. I was in my second year when he proposed to me.

I said no. He went to my mom. I don’t know what he told my mom or the promise he gave my mom, my mom came to tell me to accept the proposal just because we had a child. “Your son would need a father. Grab him while he’s here. He has money. He has a good job. What are you waiting for?” I said no to my mom too.

My mom went back to tell him I’d accepted the proposal. He came to my school in Winneba every Saturday to visit and each time he was there he introduced me to people as his wife, “Please take good care of my wife for me. She means a lot to me. He even brought gifts to those people he tasked to take care of me. In my mind, he was just my child’s father and nothing more. In his mind, he was more than that.

At a point, I looked at all the good He had done for me and said yes to him. He became my first boyfriend. He was happy but I didn’t feel anything. When I visited him and he kissed me, I felt like throwing up. When he touched me, I remembered the touch that night. I would go to the bathroom and scrub the part where he touched so I don’t get to feel his touch again. He tried having sex with me and that night I nearly strangled him. I liked him but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything intimate with him.

After school, we were still dating. He told me everything would be alright when we marry. I will forget the past so we forge ahead. I believed also that with time I would grow used to his touch and his love. It didn’t happen but I felt trapped in the web of his kindness. I felt I’d led him on and my mom was also pushing me to marry him.

He started getting the things for our marriage. Oh, James, I don’t know the kind of faith he has. He saw all the signs that marriage between us wouldn’t work but he kept hope alive. They came to do knocking. A month later, our postings came and I was posted out of town. I used those moments to reflect on everything and even discussed it with friends. They all said, “No, don’t marry him. Things won’t change and you’ll regret it.”

I called one day and told him I couldn’t go ahead with the marriage. I switched off my phone. Luckily for me, no one knew where I’d been posted to. Not even my mom. I switched my phone off for over a week. When I finally called my mom, she was so happy she could hear from me. She thought I’d done something bad to myself. She agreed with me. She said, “Please don’t kill yourself because of marriage. I’m not forcing you. I’m only saying he could be good for you.”

With my mom’s support, I dived out of the marriage and later went for my son to come and stay with me. James was broken. He accused me of leading him on. He called me names. He said I did that so he could continue providing for me. In my heart, that wasn’t the case so I was free.

I live with my son. It’s hard to find a man because I’m born one. They pursue me until I tell them I have a son. Then they go and not come back. It hurts but I know my story will change and where I am right now is better than being married to James, someone I can’t allow to touch me.

#MyFirstRelationship

—Miranda